This sucks.

I wish I could tell the truth. Let me rephrase that. I wish I could be alot more honest about the struggles I am having. I guess I feel the need to protect myself from the nay-sayers who look for any sign of weakness and pounce on my insecurities. I have total faith in God and I have total peace that we are doing what we are supposed to do. BUT IT SUCKS!!!

I do not want to move across the world and leave my son behind.

I do not want to sell everything I own.

I do not want to leave my family and friends.

I do not want to expose my children to malaria and other horrible diseases for which there is no cure.

I don't want to eat rice and beans every meal.

I don't want to pee or poop outside on a regular basis.

I don't want to live without air conditioning.

I defiantly don't want to home school SIX children.

I don't like the idea of no target or costco.

I am grieving the loss of a comfortable life. I am sad. I cried all through church today because I don't want to have a new pastor. I don't want to make new friends.
I love my house. I love my neighbors. I love my kids school. I love that my mail is delivered to my mailbox even though it is usually just bills. I love talking to my mom on my cell phone and knowing she is just a few exits down the freeway. I am sad. I don't know how to condense a lifetime of things to 18 suitcases.


Luke 18:18-25 (New International Version)

The Rich Ruler
18A certain ruler asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"

19"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone. 20You know the commandments: 'Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.'[a]"

21"All these I have kept since I was a boy," he said.

22When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

23When he heard this, he became very sad, because he was a man of great wealth. 24Jesus looked at him and said, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! 25Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

This is why I am doing what I am doing. It is a response to the great love that God has shown me. I trust Him. In recovery we do a Victory List. It is supposed to help us in the bad times when we feel alone and hopeless. My Victory List is long. God has saved me over and over again. He has restored relationships that I thought were over for good. He has blessed my family with health and financial security. He has given me more than I could list in this blog. And today I am willing to give it all back to Him.

I don't want to go away sad like the rich young ruler.

I don't want to live with an ounce of regret.

I don't want to get to the end of my life with anything left over.

But it still sucks.