time

I need a bit more time.
I am not ready yet to share about Uganda and coming home.
I am still processing and grieving and rejoicing.

Yep. I am pretty messed up.

We Pray For The Children

by Ina J Hughs



We pray for children

who sneak popsicles before supper,

who erase holes in math workbooks,

who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,

who like ghost stories,

who can never find their shoes.



And we pray for those

who stare at photographers behind barbed wire,

who can’t bound down the street in a pair of new sneakers,

who are born in places we wouldn’t be caught dead,

who never go to the circus

who live in an X-rated world.



We pray for children

who sleep with the dog and bury the goldfish

who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,

who get visits from the tooth fairy,

who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.



And we pray for those

who never get dessert,

who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,

who watch their parents watch them die,

who can’t find any bread to steal,

who don’t have any rooms to clean up,

whose pictures aren’t on anybody’s dresser,

whose monsters are real.



We pray for children

who spend all their allowance before Tuesday,

who shove dirty clothes under the bed, and never rinse out the tub,

who don’t like to be kissed in front of the carpool,

who squirm in church or temple and scream in the phone,

whose tears we sometimes laugh at and

whose smiles can make us cry.



And we pray for those

whose nightmares come in the daytime,

who will eat anything,

who have never seen a dentist,

who aren’t spoiled by anybody,

who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,

who live and move, but have no being.



We pray for children who want to be carried

and for those who must,

for those we never give up on and

for those who don’t get a second chance.

for those we smother...

and for those who will grab the hand of anybody kind enough to offer it.

Do You Trust Me?

Parenting kids who have experienced trauma is hard.

They don't believe you. They have been hurt and disappointed. Abandoned and cast aside. We show up with all of our good intentions and many times disappoint them yet again. Their hearts are heavily guarded and rightly so. Fear of another loss can grip them so tightly they wont let in the good just to ensure they can keep out the bad.

I have looked my beautiful daughter in the eyes and seen her fear. I have instructed her and watched her defy me simply because she thinks she knows better.

It has made me furious.
I am an adult. I can see past the situation and know what is best.

It has broken my heart. I want to take care of her but she wont let me.

Looking at her, I have asked, do you trust me? I see that she wants too but is so scared. What if...The possibility of pain is what she knows.

I see me in her. I see how God, my father, looks at me and asks the very same question. Do you trust ME?

Can you close your eyes
to the circumstance
to the past
to the pain you have endured

and trust ME?

r.a.d.

i cant pinpoint when it happened.


when my life became so different.


but it has changed so much.


cps

rad

ptsd

odd

adhd

fas

iep

psr



all of those little letters....make up the life i live. the life my children live.

some days it is all consuming. other days i almost forget.

most days i am sure that the only three letters that really matter are:


GOD


He has a plan and a purpose.

He is Healer

He is Comforter

He has all I need


dont get me wrong. we do the appointments. we have a support team.

we get kicked out of sunday school and not invited to parties....grandparents are scared.

and

so.are.we.


but we carry on. doing what we know to do. finding out what else we can do.


we love

we fight

we cry

we restrain...

we supervise

we explain the letters to the kids who have them and the kids who live with them

we will not be defined by this. we will not make excuses

we are working on it


we learn compassion

we learn to ask for help

we learn to not judge others because we dont know what they have been through


we find out we are strong

we find out we are weak

we find out WE ARE NOT ALONE


stupid letters are nothing compared to the GOD we serve.

and the kids we love.

and those who share this crazy this journey with us.

Dreaming

The countdown has begun...
Only 3 weeks till I leave my beloved Uganda. I think I have moved past grief to acceptance. I am defiantly sitting in the wonder of it. I got to live in Africa with my family. A dream come true. So now the dream I can surrender.

How amazing that God sees us and knows us.

When I got married at nineteen, I still believed in dreaming. At the age of twenty four with four kids, I started to let go of my dreams. When I found myself turning 30 with seven children, I gave up dreaming because I was stuck in a nightmare.

Some how.

Slowly
by
Slowly

God has awakened my heart to dream.

He is giving me the courage to see beyond myself.

Past me I find HIM. The reason for dreaming. The one in whom I hope. The giver of all good things.

My Savior.

December in Uganda

I love living in a foreign land.
It is so challenging to me in so many ways. I am grateful for the challenges. I don't want to be the same. I love it when I have to think about why I do what I do, and is there a different way? To live, to love, to celebrate, to worship...

Christmastime in Uganda is so very different than the States.

1. It is HOT.

We got here in the summer (July) and it is getting hotter each month. We are NOT having hot chocolate or sitting by a fire. We are sitting in front of a fan with cold water!

2. Shopping.

We do have a mall. We go there sometimes for a bite to eat or to the "big" grocery store that is there but NEVER would I buy clothes there. For clothes we go to Owino Market. Picture a garage sale/flea market/salvation army X a million. Cause that's how many people are there... There are no Carols playing or beautiful displays, just shouting and shoving and very bad smells.

3. No Holiday programs or Festivities.

I saw a couple of Christmas tree's in a grocery store but other than that there are no Christmas tree lots. No Lights or lawn decorations. No kids singing Happy Birthday Jesus...(lol Melissa) No nativity out on display. Our schedule is not crazy with parties or events.

4. List for Santa.

My kids have not asked for a million things for Christmas this year. I am sure it has something to do with the fact that all of their friends have tattered clothing and live without running water or power. But also, We have NO television. No commercials. No Target. No mall Santa. We are so removed from all of the pressure to buy. I am praying we find a Santa to take a picture with but only if he is black! I want an African Santa in Africa!

5. Our family.

We are far from our family. That makes it feel like its not Christmas. The internet is amazing, but it is not the same as gathering for a meal, or baking cookies, or caroling. We love you family. We miss you so very much! Thank you for sending gifts and showing us love while we are far away. We will see you soon!

Merry Christmas

Can you hear the baby crying?
that’s the sound of God denying himself
Taking on the form of man in flesh
Can you see the virgin weeping?
That’s the pain required for keeping God’s great promise
to deliver us from death
Merry Christmas to all mankind
The King is coming just in time
Into the dark, His light will shine so bright and beautiful
Merry Christmas to all
Can you hear the angels singing?
Oh that’s the sound of freedom reigning and ringing
Like a bell declaring peace, the war has ended
Can you see the shepherds coming?
Like a prophecy, a symbol of His prodigal, returning
to the father who, so humbly, condescended
Merry Christmas to all mankind
The King is coming just in time
Into the dark, His light will shine so bright and beautiful
Merry Christmas to all
Can we hear the nations crying?
Or have we closed our ears? Somehow justifying
how we celebrate the humble birth of Jesus
Do we see the poor and hungry?
Will we meet their needs? Or close our eyes and spend our money
on things we know will never satisfy us

Merry Christmas to all mankind
The King is coming just in time
Into the dark, His light will shine so bright and beautiful
Merry Christmas to all



words and music by ross king ©2010 ross king

it's so hard to say good bye

Hey everyone,

We trust you all are doing well. Thank you so much for all the prayers and kind words and financial donations that have supported the ministry we have been doing in Uganda. Our lives will never be the same because of what we experience on a daily basis here.

For the next two months, we plan on continuing what we have been involved in... feeding the poor, helping the children, and supporting other believers in Kampala. We have really been searching the Lord’s will for our lives, through prayer and fasting and asking some people much wiser than ourselves for some advice.

What we have come up with is the following: We are flying home in January to relocate to Las Vegas. We are actively looking for areas of town to minister to. Jeremy is going to work tax season to get us back on our feet, and then begin a faith community in the neighborhood we will live in. Beth will be planning a mission trip back to Uganda that will occur in August. We will continue our ministry we have begun in Kampala. We are in the process of putting into place an organization that will continue to feed the street kids we have been interacting with and continue helping them get an education. Our website now has a section for child sponsorship so a family can pseudo adopt a child who needs help.

We have really struggled with this decision, but feel it is what is best for our family. We do not view our stay here as a waste of time, effort, or money. We have lived through things and learned things that we never would have were it not for us heeding Jesus’ call to come. Uganda will always be with us, and we will have an ongoing relationship with the people here. We covet your prayers through this transition. We so appreciate your friendship and support. We love you all.


The Howard’s

Psalm 139

It is probably not very good bloggmanship to just post what other people write but I am so humbled by the love of God. It seems God is continually renewing my mind and removing my character defects. Even the ones I have thought were long gone. I still struggle with self hatred. Harsh right? Well we could call it something more pc...self esteem, low self worth, image issues. It comes down to not feeling worthy of Gods love. Trying hard to be better than I really am. Isn't it crazy that God already knows everything about me! I cannot hide the bad stuff from Him. Yet again with this Psalm He reminds me so gently that it is not about me but all about Him. His perfect love.


Psalm 139

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
21 O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

i miss sleep

I can't sleep...not at night anyway.
I just lay here.
Sometimes I surf the internet or read blogs.

I pray ALOT when I can't sleep.

When I lived in Vegas and couldn't sleep I would redecorate my house in my mind.

Since I have been here, I worry. I just lay awake and worry. I worry about my homeboyz, I wonder if they are staying dry while I listen to the rain fall outside my window. Most of them live in shacks with no real roof. I worry about my kids and the issues they face because of fetal alcohol syndrome. I worry about our oldest son, because he is 16, and driving. I worry about the future because I have no idea what will happen. Even though it is a sin...I worry. So tonight I am choosing to meditate on this:


Matthew 6:34 (New International Version)

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

and this

Philippians 4:6

6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

and this one


1 John 4:18 (New International Version)

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

So God,
I guess if you don't need me to help you. I will go to bed now.
Thanks for taking care of everything. Please do a miracle and keep the kids dry through this storm. I pray that the Holy Spirit would comfort me and them and give us all peace. Thanks for healing my babies a little more each day and for keeping Matty safe. I sure do love you.
B

Communion

The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread,and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is for you; do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way, after supper he took the cup, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this, whenever you drink it, in remembrance of me.” For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

I sat there on the wooden bench, tears streaming down my face. I could barely take the bread from the passing tray. My vision was blurred and my heart was aching. I didn't expect the emotion to swell up and spill down my face. It took me by surprise.

My sin cost Jesus His life. But because of His blood I am able to approach GOD without guilt or shame. It's too much.

Jesus knew. He knew what He was facing, and He chose to follow through.

Recently, I have lost sight of my purpose. I have been feeling lost. The last couple of days I have been having a hard time seeing anything clearly.

Taking Communion with my African brothers and sisters in a small hillside church has helped me to remember. It doesn't matter which continent I live on. Or which ministry I am serving in. What matters is Jesus. His sacrifice. His love.

My life is but a vapor.

I want to use my limited time loving God.
I want my life to be a response to His great love for me.

I love this song. You have probably never heard it...unless you are old like me.

One day a plain village woman
Driven by love for her Lord
Recklessly poured out a valuable essence
Disregarding the scorn
And once it was broken and spilled out
A fragrance filled all the room
Like a prisoner released from his shackles
Like a spirit set free from the tomb

Broken and spilled out
Just for love of you Jesus
My most precious treasure
Lavished on Thee
Broken and spilled out
And poured at Your feet
In sweet abandon
Let me be spilled out
And used up for Thee

Lord You were God's precious treasure
His loved and His own perfect Son
Sent here to show me
The love of the Father
Just for love it was done
And though You were perfect and holy
You gave up Yourself willingly
You spared no expense for my pardon
You were used up and wasted for me

Broken and spilled out
Just for love of me Jesus
God's most precious treasure
Lavished on me
You were broken and spilled out
And poured at my feet
In sweet abandon Lord
You were spilled out and used up for Me
(Steve Green)

The thief at my table

This is Opika.


Opika is a thief. At least thats what all the other homeboyz tell me.
Watching him color at my kitchen table you would never guess that. Today he is just a kid. Making a picture. Probably as a gift for someone he loves. When he is done he will show it to me proudly with a big grin. He will say,"Mom, look at my peekcha." Just like my own kids have so many times.
What you can't see in the picture is Opika's story. His father has many "wives". It's allowed here, he is a Muslim. The one Opika lives with here in our neighborhood is his step mother. She is a drunk. A fall down, belligerent drunk. I like her but still, she is a raging alcoholic in a world with no AA. Opi's dad has a good job. Two in fact. But there is never any food or school fees or new clothes. He spends it on women. A raging sex addict in a world with no SA. SO Opika lives a life of survival.
I guess that is why I am rooting for him.
He started school last month. It was so amazing to watch him grinning from ear to ear in his new uniform. Jeremy cut his crazy hair so you can't even see the fungal infection that causes him to have a bald spot. He was doing so good getting himself up and out to school. He has no one to wake him up or make sure he eats a healthy breakfast. Yet, he was still an enthusiastic learner. Until this week. He got sick. His sister, who has her own tragic story, woke him once but his dad yelled at her to let him sleep. He has missed a few days and he is already behind. I am worried. I want him to succeed. I see his potential, yet I realize the odds against him. My prayers sound more like pleading for this child. I am desperate. He needs more than I have to give. I am so grateful he has a Savior. Even if Opi doesn't know Him yet. God knows his name. God knows every hair on his balding little head.

I am sure your neighborhood has an Opika. A kid who never looks clean. A kid with bad manners and no parental supervision. You don't have to move to Africa to help kids like Opi. Look outside when you call your kids in from playing. See who is last to go home. Don't keep your kids from playing with the kids whose parents are drunks. Invite them in. Love them. Tell them with your actions about the love of Jesus.


Matthew 25:35-40

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

stifled

I feel stifled.
Down right repressed.

My hands feel like they are tied and I am useless.

My vison, my plans, my burden is right in front of me. Yet I can do nothing.

So I sit paralyzed.

Doing nothing.

I am not sure if it is complacency.

Fear.

Depression.

But here I sit.

And it SUCKS.

Awkward

Ok, this is for my blog-obsessed friends. Only you will truly understand the shock and horror.


Since I have been in Uganda, I rarely read blogs. Before I came here, I stayed up all night going through blog after blog.

Usually it was stuff that had to do with Uganda or adoption but I could really get lost in any of it. I guess it is the voyeur in me. I am kind of a freak. I don't read fiction, I never had a great imagination, I prefer biography's and documentaries. So this whole blog world is like my crack!

It started as soon as I got here. One day, I was out for ice cream with one of my kids and there was a guy with like seven white kids doing the same. It is hard to not stare at white people here, they are few. So as I am checking out this large crew I recognized a random child from one of the blogs I read. He is like 6. I knew his name. And his favorite food. CREEPY! Seriously. I felt like a stalker. But wait it gets worse.

One of my friends is well networked into this whole adoption group from facebook and we have had a great time meeting families over here adopting. One such sweet friend had been here for quite a while so we have met up a couple of times. As we were talking I quickly realized she is the best friend of a blogHer I read religiously. Oh my word! I am going to jail!I know all of the stories she is telling me about her best friend from home. For real! This just seems so wrong.

But wait it gets much worse!

Last weekend we were traveling and wanted to "run into" a bloggy friend we have never met in real life. We all think, we would totally be best friends with this person if we could only meet. Our driver takes us to her gate, which was open, so my friends go to say hi. By this time, I am looking over my shoulder for police. I know I have crossed a line from being an interested friend to a class 3 felony stalker. For the privacy of all I wont tell the end of the story. Just know it is BAD.

All this has got me thinking about privacy and honesty and stalking laws....

I don't meet many people who follow my blog. And when I do I admit, I get
a little embarrassed. I use my blog to let people know what is going on with us.
Sometimes my post are very honest and I feel vulnerable putting myself out there to the world wide web.Other times I feel like a fraud. When I look at our cute little website with our cool family photo up on top. Then I look down from my keyboard and see myself still in P.J.s, at 1 in the afternoon, my kids running around like crazy children because they need some structure I'd rather not give. The trouble with blogs are you get to share only the parts you want to share. You can delete and edit the parts that don't sound right or might make you look bad. I have tried to be real on my blog. But I do not share everything. There is no way I am going to post an accurate account of who I really am. If I did that my blog would be really boring...

I'm Back on Blogger

Jeremy has a girlfriend...
It is his MAC BOOK.
He is so in LOVE with her he is delusional.
She is temperamental.
She has refused to work most of the time we have been here in Africa.
So even though I am very proud of my man and his website,

I am coming back to the blogger world!

moved

We made it....

We have been in Africa for 3 weeks now.

Come check out or website for the blogs and photos.


www.lovegodandloveothers.com

D.C. by Laney

It was so hard to say goodbye to all the people I love. I was an emotional wreck last night. But D.C is great! It is so cool. It was cloudy and humid. I am likeing it a lot. The greenery is really pretty.
There is some people I didn't get to say bye to that i really wish i could have. I wish I could bring them with me. But I guess goodbye is a part of life that most of us wish we didn't have to do.
I an really happy that god has an unbeatable plan. If I had the plan for my life it would stink! I can barley manage my Facebook! I totally trust god and I know that he has a perfect plan which is always really good to know. I think that I worry about everything too much... and here I am writing about trusting god. I think that is one of the things I need to work on. I pray for that to happen daily.
I know it sounds kinda weird but I use to think asking God for stuff was selfish when there are sooo many orphans in the world who have nothing but recently God has showed me it is ok to want stuff. And lately God has givin me soo much but I remember this verse that said ask and you shall receive and it goes on ...

Luke 11:9 “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

I am glad I have a God who knows my wants and need.



-Laney

Hey God.

I am having a really hard day. Can You help me? It is so easy for me to depend on You for all of the big stuff. But I am so worried about the little stuff. The suitcases being to heavy, the children freaking out on the plane, getting to the capitol building at 8 am, having the right documents copied and stored, tying the loose ends at home....can You help me with all of that stuff too? I am so weary and our journey has not yet begun. I can feel the wave of emotion coming but I am scared to let it flow. Will You hold me close and be my daddy? I am really sad and lonely. Even though there are so many people around. Did You feel like that when You were here? It's been so busy lately and I miss just sitting in your presence. I need you.
Thank you for my Jeremy. You really out did Yourself there. Can You help him too? He is doing a great job caring for us but I'm a little worried about him too. Give him what he needs. Speak to Him through Your word as he leads our family. And please be with the children. My heart hurts for them. Each one of them is dealing with their emotions differently and sometimes I don't know what to do or how to help them. Please be their comfort and strength. Give them the grace they need to get through this transition. Protect them God, physically and mentally and spiritually. Help them to keep their innocence Lord. This seems like too much for them but I trust You and Your will for our family.
Thank You for Your provision. Thank You for Your peace.
I do so love You.
Amen.

Jeremy Howard and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

My poor husband.

Wow, his day sucked today! His life in general is quite hard, though I may never tell him that. It started with a sleeping in wife and three loud children, and quickly progressed into a complete redo of yucky paperwork for the secretary of state, a couple hundred dollars in fees (that shouldn't have been because he did the paperwork before), and sprinkled in was a trip to the locksmith, 3 calls to tmobile for phone problems, a cranky wife, and seven kids.

LUCKILY

The day ended great. We had a combined birthday party for our July babies. It was so much fun! We are really blessed beyond measure with friends and family who love and support us. Our kids were spoiled rotten and our non birthday children celebrated without much envy or tantrums. (in our house this is no small miracle!)

I keep trying to enjoy every second of everyday that I am here. It is not so easy. Life is hard. It always makes me think of Jesus. It cracks me up that people thought He was a drunk and a glutton.(Luke 7:31-34) I love that about Him. But Jesus did not have a life of luxury or laziness. His life was hard. Right up until His even harder death. I have a hard time "taking up my cross daily and following Him" but I want to be a disciple. I really want my life to reflect my commitment to and love for Jesus.

I am never sure who reads my blog. I don't know if you are familiar with Jesus or the story of His life but I am changed by it. Hopefully more and more and more and more until people don't really see me, but see Jesus in me. If you read this and consider yourself a Christian, or someone who follows the teachings of Jesus, will you read this passage today? And will you ask God what it is He wants from you?

Luke 9 (New International Version)

Jesus Sends Out the Twelve
1When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, 2and he sent them out to preach the kingdom of God and to heal the sick. 3He told them: "Take nothing for the journey—no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra tunic. 4Whatever house you enter, stay there until you leave that town. 5If people do not welcome you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them." 6So they set out and went from village to village, preaching the gospel and healing people everywhere.

7Now Herod the tetrarch heard about all that was going on. And he was perplexed, because some were saying that John had been raised from the dead, 8others that Elijah had appeared, and still others that one of the prophets of long ago had come back to life. 9But Herod said, "I beheaded John. Who, then, is this I hear such things about?" And he tried to see him.

Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand
10When the apostles returned, they reported to Jesus what they had done. Then he took them with him and they withdrew by themselves to a town called Bethsaida, 11but the crowds learned about it and followed him. He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing.

12Late in the afternoon the Twelve came to him and said, "Send the crowd away so they can go to the surrounding villages and countryside and find food and lodging, because we are in a remote place here."

13He replied, "You give them something to eat."

They answered, "We have only five loaves of bread and two fish—unless we go and buy food for all this crowd." 14(About five thousand men were there.)

But he said to his disciples, "Have them sit down in groups of about fifty each." 15The disciples did so, and everybody sat down. 16Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke them. Then he gave them to the disciples to set before the people. 17They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.
Peter's Confession of Christ
18Once when Jesus was praying in private and his disciples were with him, he asked them, "Who do the crowds say I am?"

19They replied, "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, that one of the prophets of long ago has come back to life."

20"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?"
Peter answered, "The Christ[a] of God."

21Jesus strictly warned them not to tell this to anyone. 22And he said, "The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life."

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. 25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? 26If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. 27I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God."

the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth

I have promised to be 100% honest on this blog. I think for the most part I am. I mean there are somethings that are private and nobody's business... but I just read my last couple of blog posts and realized they may not be an accurate representation of Beth Howard.

I get angry often.
My kids make me CRAZY!
Today I dropped the "f" bomb more than once. (so not proud of that)
I took a zanax when I had to say goodbye to my mom.
I watch Housewives of Orange County to feel better about myself.

I do not know who reads this blog...there seem to be some serious lurkers. But these are some things you might not know about me. And might wish you never knew.

Our friend preached a message and used us as an example of someone following God despite the cost. He made us sound a lot better than I feel we may be. I mean, we are much better than we were but still.

This crap is really hard.

H
A
R
D

Some days, I can barely speak, I am so overwhelmed. The moving, the goodbyes, the kindness... it jacks me BIG TIME! I am so scared some days I can't stand it. It really messes with your head. Living life with no plan, no job, no insurance, no retirement, no real savings. I mean, Who does that????

And then in one day God gives us 1600 dollars. seriously?!?!?!
Does He know I just dropped the "F" bomb???